It seems that recently being diagnosed with a mental illness is something people want. Phrases using the word “depressed” get thrown around left, right and centre without any thought behind them. No real thoughts towards the people who are actually depressed and are struggling to live a proper life.
The truth about depression isn’t glamourous. It sucks. It’s horrible and it tears your life apart. Depression isn’t a girl who dresses in black, listens to sad music and argues with their family every now and again. Depression isn’t a trend that people should desire, it definitely isn’t cool or the ‘in thing’.
Depression is lying in the pitch black at 3am in the morning, struggling to find the good in your life. It’s pushing people away closest to you, feeling that you’ll never been good enough for anyone. It’s wondering how anyone can ever love you when you can’t even love yourself. It’s the feeling that you’ve been awake for 5 years straight and no amount of sleep will ever be able to cure the exhaustion you have. Depression steals your life, your future ambitions, your happiness, friends and your family. It takes over every aspect of your life and eventually steals life all together.
There isn’t anything beautiful or poetic about being depressed. Depression is painful, it tears your
life apart and makes you feel worthless. Depression isn’t just as simple as taking a pill everyday and everything turns out ok - depression stays with you for the whole of your life and although we can have good days, the bad days are still a struggle where you can’t find anything good to look forward to and be happy about.
I’ve been suffering from depression now since autumn last year and right now, I am at my all time worst. I’ve switched tablets from Sertraline to Fluoxetine which I start on Monday. I cry constantly about life being easier if I wasn’t here. I can’t remember the last time I had a good nights sleep. I hardly leave the house unless I really have to. There is absolutely nothing glamourous or desirable about having depression, anxiety or any other mental illness.
Romanticising and glamourising the idea of depression and other mental illnesses makes me feel ill, especially as it’s the twenty-first century; proving there is still a stigma surrounding mental illnesses. Mental illnesses are heartingbreaking. Depression is life shattering. Anxiety is horrid. There is nothing desirable. The next time that you go to say the phrase “I’m so depressed” because you didn’t get the grade you wanted in a test or because the top you wanted for ages is sold out, please think again about what it is to be depressed and choose a different phrase and different wording.
Let’s start seeing mental illnesses for what they are, and not the latest fashion trend. Approximately 1 in 4 people in the UK will experience a mental health problem each year. So let’s try and see mental illness for what it truly is, an illness.
Daisy x
Mental health helplines;
Anxiety UK - 03444775774
Bipolar - www.bipolaruk.org.uk
CALM (men aged 15-35) - www.thecalmzone.net
Mind - 03001233393
No Panic - 08449674848
OCD Action - 08453906232
OCD UK - 08451203778
PAPYRUS (young suicide) - 08000684141
Rethink Mental Illness - 03005000927
Samaritans - 116123
SANE - 03003047000
Young Minds (parents helpline) - 08088025544
My Honest Experience with Sertraline
I've been on Sertraline now for around 6 months and I've definitely had a love/hate relationship with it. When I initially went to the doctors, I was determined to start tablets. I had already had many sessions of CBT which hadn't worked over the previous two years, so I was adament I wasn't leaving the doctors until they offered me medication. The doctor talked me through the options and told me that from looking at my self-assessment sheet from when I had my CBT, that I had filled it in as someone who was very depressed. This was something I couldn't accept at first, as it's something I never thought I'd be.
When talking through the different options for medication, the doctor suggested a few different tablets, but in the end suggeted that sertraline would be the best for me as it treats both depression and anxiety. By definition on the NHS website, sertraline is a type of antidepressant often used to treat depression, and also sometimes panic attacks, OCD and PTSD. I was told the tablets would take between 2 to 6 weeks to take effect so I started them just before Christmas (18th Dec) to let them kick in over the holidays before I went back to school. At first I didn't notice many side effects but in the second week of taking them I suffered quite a lot. I was sent home from school as I was completely spaced out and couldn't concentrate at all. My pupils were enlarged and they stayed like this for about 1 and a half weeks and it was something that many people noticed which made me feel really self conscious in the end. I also had many of the common side effects of being sleepy, feeling sick and being unable to sleep. For about 2 weeks, I was clenching my jaw horrendously which gave me really bad migraines. This has eased off now but I wear a splint overnight because I naturally grind my teeth (not because of the meds). But when I was clenching my jaw due to the medication, my jaw socket kept popping out of place due to the pressure and I was in agony.
After giving the tablets 6 weeks to kick in, on about week 8 I decided I needed to increase the dosage of the tablets. I started off on 50mg which is where most people start but most people don't stay on this dosage as it's quite low and many people need a stronger dosage for the tablets to take effect. So I went back to the doctors and I was given a monthly dosage of 100mg and this was probably the worst mistake of my life (but I'm not saying this is the same for everyone). My tiny 5ft body just couldn't handle the extra 50mg of tablets that my body wasn't used to and I ended up losing all my appetite, feeling sick constantly and not being able to sleep. I think in the first week of taking these tablets I slept for about 3-4 hours a night, and I ended up being completely drained and exhausted which affected my life massively, especially doing school work and doing my weekend job. So eventually I went back to 50mg tablets after about 3 weeks on the 100mg.
I've been on the 50mg now for about 3 months and it's really made a huge difference to me. I still have the odd panic attack every now and again but that's obvious as the tablets aren't going to get rid of my anxiety/depression completely. I eventually want to come off these tablets as I hate the idea of having to depend on them for a long period of time but for now, it's whats working so I'm going to keep on them.
Daisy x
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